The Sanctuary ..

So this weekend mom is having surgery.  I'll be going with her to the hospital in Dallas on Friday morning.  She will be here around 4:30 A.M. and has to be there by 6, I think she said.  Anyways, with me not being a morning person, this is gonna be a huge stretch for me, but  I'll do the best I can.

Michael is gonna take Brandon to school for me, which is a tremendous help!
Otherwise I couldn't go at all.

I've had alot on my mind lately but never the less I refuse to let it hold me down.  I'm not a quitter, but I do take things in steps.  I don't run and jump into the water without at least taking the time to hold my breath first lol.  To do so would be not only irresponsible but possibly even lethal.

I deal with one thing at a time and well..drama is not one of them.  As most of you know, I don't deal well with this because of my anxiety attacks.  My heart races, I'll break out in a sweat and feel I'm gonna be sick.  At times I've actually passed out from it, and well...I refuse to let myself get to that point anymore.  I can't and I won't!

Those who know and love me know this and understand this. Those who don't, aren't worth my time and effort and in the long run are pretty much just a waste of my attention and affection.

I myself am not very patient, but one thing I have learned in this life is that nothing worth having is ever easy.  If it was..somebody else wouldda already had it or no one would want it cuz it was as common as  a household television set.

So next time you get impatient, remind yourself.  Do I want a black and white, a tube/crt type tv, or do I want a plasma that I might have to save for, but offers the most reward?

The choice is yours..Nuff said.  Peace Out.

This being out of a job thing sux.  I'm tired as hell.  My sleeping patterns are fkkd to the high heavens.  I am not sleeping at night, but usually some time during the day I finally fall asleep.  The problem with that is that my mom thinks I should talk to her on the phone every single day, so just about the time I'm dozing off or finally at rest she calls.  I've tried to tell her what's up, but she never fails to call and wake me up anyways. 

She doesn't just call once, she keeps on and on until I finally answer the phone.  Now I know I could turn my phone off but if I do that, I'm afraid I'll miss a call that is truly an emergency or a call on a job.  I definately don't want to do that!  I love my mom, but I swear sometimes she drives me crazy!

I really really need to get back into a normal pattern of sleep.  I'm barely functioning lol.

 

I had a dream.

The dream is that I am driving down the street in my car.  The street looks like the area next to Dollar Gener al in my home town, but for some reason during this dream, I feel that I am beside CVS in my home town (It's wierd but in the dream I knew that's where I was).  Anyways as I drive along this little boy is walking away from his car (with a parent), but the parent turned away from the child and isnt' watch ing well, I guess.  Next thing I know the child suddenly walks right into my car.

I am hysterically crying, my vision leaves me, I can not hear and I can not talk.  I'm afraid that he is dead.  My heart is racing and I can't breathe because my throat has swollen shut. I fear I won't make it out of the car to check on him before I collapse and die myself.  I'm barely able to move.   I'm just crying and crying but some how I manage to turn off the car.  I sit there for a second in shock (still unable to see or talk and I'm barely able to breathe).  I finally fumble for the door handle and micraculously I am able to open it.  I can breathe now.  I'm screaming (but no voice is coming out)  It's just a whisper.  Inside I'm praying that the child can hear me, but I know that he can't.

"Oh my God, baby are you okay I'm so sorry, Where are you?  Please be okay, Oh my God please little baby be okay!"  I scream this over and over again.

Suddenly I feel little tiny hands pressing against mine.  I kiss his little fingers.  I still can't see him, but I can feel him and I'm crying tears of joy.  I'm hugging him (without vision or hearing still) and telling him "oh my God I'm so glad you are okay.  I love you so much, I'm so glad you are ok.  I love you,  I never meant to hurt you.  I love you so much!  I love you! Thank you God!"

My vision starts to reform, I begin to see the boy.  He is about 3 years old and cute as a button.  Short brownish blonde hair and a tiny frame.  He has a red cheek but aside from that he is all in one piece and no where near death.  He looks up at me as if to say it's okay, I'm okay."  I'm crying tears of joy and hugging him profusely, but then his mother comes and takes the boy by his hand and walks him away from me.  (almost like nothing ever happened.  She wasn't angry or sad..she just walked away with him.)

I stand there in shock, looking around at the world around me.  Still wondering how this happened, but no one else is around.  I'm thinking of getting back in my car and just then I woke up.

I lost my job recently to lay off. I've been scowering the pages of monster.com, indeed.com, simplyhired.com and the Texas Workforce Commission. Two things: 1. Why in the hell won't these people post a pay scale? I mean do you really think I want to drive for an hour and interview at least an hour just to find out that you pay 6 bucks an hour? Ugggggh 2. If I see one more ad that says "bilingual spanish/english required" or bilingual strongly preferred, I'm gonna puke up tamales! UGGGGGGH Ok done bitching.. Ps. kids started school today, so that gives me more time to look lol.

Though I seek to stray,  You find me.

Though I hide away, you rape me.

Though I silence myself , you hear me.

Though I try to refrain,

you make me.

As I walk away,

you burn me.

When I cry at night,

You laugh at me.

As I try to smile,

you hit me.

No scars are seen

but you inflicted..

Controlling bastard..

addicted!

I am terrible in everyway

the drama finds me

I can't fall away

In time it will show me

how horrible I am

Weaken my senses

Pray I fall apart

so that you might look Godly and maybe even smart this time.

 

(To the originator..not the spectators)

35 single, and so completely bored out of my mind that I could rip my eyeballs out. Is it any wonder that I suffer with OCD? I think not. At this point in life everyone is married or so completely stuck up someones ass that they might as well be.

Where does that leave me? It leaves me wishing to go out and play, but playing is no fun all alone! I for one don't want to be stuck up anyones ass ever again. I had my turn at that and it didn't end well...cuz well, to put it mildly he wasn't stuck up mine (well he was but he was stuck up other chicks asses too..) lol.

I need time out and away to just do fun stuff. If I spend one more day pinned up in this house I'm gonna scream until my fucking lungs fall out of my vagina!!!

I'm sick of this..there is no one here to go out with..There is no place to go..but I can't justifiably leave, take my kids out of school and move off just so I can have fun sometimes. Ugggggh..Being an adult sucks monkey balls!

And so the story goes on, though I never thought it would.  Yet another chance to set things right and yes, that's what I intend to do.
No longer locked inside the confines of a bitter box of resentment.  I'm gliding, but not yet flying.  Running, but not yet jumping. 
(though I know in time, those things will come as well)

I'm strong!  Stronger than I even give myself credit for.
When the world comes down on me I tend to cry, I tend to hide, but then..as sure as I breathe, I come back with a vengance.

That's not to say a mean vengence, but rather a stronger grip on who I am and who I want to be.  I become more adamant about
living instead of dying inside and hurting for things that were never meant to be.

I'm stretching my muscles..I'm warming up..it's just a matter of time before you see the wings spread and at last see the clouds
beneath my feet once more.

Photo taken 8/22/2008.  Still have alot to lose, but I'm already feeling better.

 

 

 

 

Ok so I said I would keep tblog updated on my weight loss sitution. I am very embarrased of these pics but thats further motivation to get the fat off of me! I have been on Atkins for a month now. Here are the results so far: In the following chart, the red line represents where I should be in my weight loss quest on any given day. The dots below it show where I actually am, in terms of weight.

 

As you can see I keep going up and down, but supposedly that is normal????  Anyways now with that out of the way, here is my projected weight loss stats and avg weight loss per week etc. 

 

Skip ahead now.  I have attached two pics that were taken this morning.  Granted I didn't have the same clothes on as I did on the original date (I just didn't think about it), but I can see a little bit of differerence.  Not nearly enough, but never the less there is some change.  (mainly in my butt lol.  Anyways the boobies are the same, they are just in a non supportive bra and I'm 35 yrs old ha ha ha):

I wanna puke.  I can't believe I let myself get this fat.  I'm working on it tho.  I'm gonna get that hot tight bod back before Christmas (but hopefully before even Halloween).  I still have another 20 lbs to go ugggggh!

Welp, in case you were thinking of eating donuts for breakfast, let this serve as a screeching warning NOT to!

Ps.  the pic was taken in my sons room..forgive the mess lol.

Have a good one all! 

She didn't even notice that I was standing there when she said "she better back off." I accidentally dropped my pen and scrambled to retrieve it. I tried to be inconspicuous, but our eyes met as I shifted my weight back upon my feet.

She looked at me with glaring eyes. I returned the favor. I turned away and began to walk home.  I was furious with her, but at the same time, I knew she was right. It truly was time for me to forgive and forget.

It wasn't that easy though. Derek and I had lived and worked together for several years. Letting him go was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do.

How was I to know that my co-worker and best friend would take him away from me? I mean, I know it takes two to tango, but she set out to take him from me. She would wait for him and woo him every chance she got. Me being stupid as I always am,  thought that she was just trying to make friends with the man who would soon become my husband. I thought she had my best interests at heart, but I guess I was wrong.

"You know," she said, "I never meant to hurt you." "Derek was not happy, and neither were you." she exclaimed.  I ignored her plea and continued to walk. Visions of walking in on the two of them kissing at our sons birthday party surged inside. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to rip her apart and stomp her remains. I just wanted her to go away forever.

Luckily the thought of my son kept me sane. I refrained from talking to her, even though she followed me home that night.  I slammed the door in her face and went inside the kitchen to make dinner. The doorbell rang, but I ignored it.  Over and over it rang until finally my patience wore thin. I went to the door with a butcher knife in my hand, still fuming from the previous encounter.

At the door stood a handsome young man. I guessed that he was in his late twenties to early thirties.  He said he was with the census bureau and that he had come to retrieve my survey. "I can come back later though if you would prefer, you look rather busy." he exclaimed. I could see a grin tugging at the ends of his lips, and it made me laugh inside. "I can only imagine what this must look like." I thought to myself.

I asked him to hold on for a moment, I found the papers and soon he was on his way.

As I looked out to the lawn, I noticed that Mindy was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief and closed the door.

David was already sitting at the table when I turned around. "So who was that? What are we having for dinner?"   he said in one smooth sentence. "Oh it was some nosey guy from the Census bureau, and we're having roast, macaroni and cheese, green beans and potato rolls." I explained. "It smells yummy." he said, and then he ran down the hallway yelling "Call me when it's ready okay?"

I envied how oblivious he was to the suffering that went on around him. Nothing ever seemed to phase David.  It was as if he always just knew, that everything was going to be ok." I hadn't felt that type of confusion since before the divorce. The old adage was right. Ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately I was not ignorant anymore, and what I felt definitely wasn't bliss.

That night in bed, I contemplated what Mindy had said. I still wanted to kill her, but at the same time I knew I should have hugged her instead. Otherwise I might have been married to a no good two timing back stabber.  Besides, they deserved each other. Both of them were like snakes. I bet if you cut their heads off they would still keep slithering for hours too!" I thought. "Ok that was just a little too harsh." I said to myself.

"Let it go."

I turned on the fan, and turned out the lights. The sound of the blinds tapping gently against the window pane was like the sound of soft rain to my ears. Soon I too was floating in a sea of sweet oblivion.