The Sanctuary ..

So it seems that tblog is not quite the popular site anymore..  Everyone has pretty much moved on from the days of yelling "new post" in chat, and jellous lovers/ex lovers are faded out of the tblog spotlight.  I can recall so many stories from that time frame.  Strangely I was captivated by it.

Maybe it just made me realize that I wasn't the only person with issues ha ha ha.  Either way, matters of the heart are seldom pretty...and many times they originate from other areas than the heart *giggle*..

I'll be the first to admit that I've been guilty of this.  All in all though it made for some pretty interesting stories and some funny memories.

I tend to steer clear of all of that now.  I realize that when you sink into someone elses world, you begin to feel the things they feel..whether its bitterness, sorrow, pain, confusion or momentary happiness.

Whatever the calling, everything happens for a reason in this life.  To believe that you COMPLETELY create your own destiny is hopeful, but unfortunately extremely misguided.

Today I want to share myself with those people I truly love, care for and admire.  I relish in those who seek to find a life of solace..people that are not only true with others, but are true to themselves.

I've come to grips with who I am, what I am about and what is important in my life.

I have no grudges, I bear no pain, yes I do still get frustrated, but I use that frustration as my motivation..

I don't remember who wrote it, or exactly how it went, but I once heard a quote that really stuck with me..now and always.  (It went something like this)

There is no shame in falling down, Not getting back up, and dusting yourself off, though is a disgrace.

Isn't it the truth?

 

 

:( Yeah not a good thing..Taking meds and breathing exercises etc.. Come to find out I also have low potassium levels and low blood pressure..This is why I pass out.. So yeah lots of salt, lots of bananas and lots of water. Got to get over this so I can get back out and have fun again....

Damn I loved that movie! :) xoxox all good..busy busy..talk later lol.

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Yeah so it's been awhile since my last post.  Largely due to the fact that my life has taken such a huge turn.  I've been getting out more and enjoying life..I've left the four walls that have held me captive for the last two years.  I've got the job I've always wanted, the security I've always needed and the hapiness that I always knew lived somewhere deep inside me.  My life is fantastic.

My oldest son graduates from HS this year and my youngest is graduating in two more years.  I have great kids..
and a good future ahead of me.

I finally came to the realization that I'm so much more than what I had become.  I've had a tough life and lots of bad shit has happened to me throughout my life, but that is no excuse to sit at home and hide from the world.  I'm back out there again and I'm having a great time.

Umm in one case...a lil toooo much fun lol...but I learned my lesson..  It was still a blast!

I can't wait to get back out there again..It feels so good to breathe again..
I'm still rockin' w/wrinkles LOL!

 

She didn't even notice that I was standing there when she said "she better back off." I accidentally dropped my pen and scrambled to retrieve it. I tried to be inconspicuous, but our eyes met as I shifted my weight back upon my feet.

She looked at me with glaring eyes. I returned the favor. I turned away and began to walk home.  I was furious with her, but at the same time, I knew she was right. It truly was time for me to forgive and forget.

It wasn't that easy though. Derek and I had lived and worked together for several years. Letting him go was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do.

How was I to know that my co-worker and best friend would take him away from me? I mean, I know it takes two to tango, but she set out to take him from me. She would wait for him and woo him every chance she got. Me being stupid as I always am,  thought that she was just trying to make friends with the man who would soon become my husband. I thought she had my best interests at heart, but I guess I was wrong.

"You know," she said, "I never meant to hurt you." "Derek was not happy, and neither were you." she exclaimed.  I ignored her plea and continued to walk. Visions of walking in on the two of them kissing at our sons birthday party surged inside. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to rip her apart and stomp her remains. I just wanted her to go away forever.

Luckily the thought of my son kept me sane. I refrained from talking to her, even though she followed me home that night.  I slammed the door in her face and went inside the kitchen to make dinner. The doorbell rang, but I ignored it.  Over and over it rang until finally my patience wore thin. I went to the door with a butcher knife in my hand, still fuming from the previous encounter.

At the door stood a handsome young man. I guessed that he was in his late twenties to early thirties.  He said he was with the census bureau and that he had come to retrieve my survey. "I can come back later though if you would prefer, you look rather busy." he exclaimed. I could see a grin tugging at the ends of his lips, and it made me laugh inside. "I can only imagine what this must look like." I thought to myself.

I asked him to hold on for a moment, I found the papers and soon he was on his way.

As I looked out to the lawn, I noticed that Mindy was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief and closed the door.

David was already sitting at the table when I turned around. "So who was that? What are we having for dinner?"   he said in one smooth sentence. "Oh it was some nosey guy from the Census bureau, and we're having roast, macaroni and cheese, green beans and potato rolls." I explained. "It smells yummy." he said, and then he ran down the hallway yelling "Call me when it's ready okay?"

I envied how oblivious he was to the suffering that went on around him. Nothing ever seemed to phase David.  It was as if he always just knew, that everything was going to be ok." I hadn't felt that type of confusion since before the divorce. The old adage was right. Ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately I was not ignorant anymore, and what I felt definitely wasn't bliss.

That night in bed, I contemplated what Mindy had said. I still wanted to kill her, but at the same time I knew I should have hugged her instead. Otherwise I might have been married to a no good two timing back stabber.  Besides, they deserved each other. Both of them were like snakes. I bet if you cut their heads off they would still keep slithering for hours too!" I thought. "Ok that was just a little too harsh." I said to myself.

"Let it go."

I turned on the fan, and turned out the lights. The sound of the blinds tapping gently against the window pane was like the sound of soft rain to my ears. Soon I too was floating in a sea of sweet oblivion.